January 17, 2007
Chimps in the news
With the wondrous notion of the Geostationary Banana Over Texas project unwilling to leave my thoughts since I first heard about the plan, it seems only fitting that today’s news was filled with chimps.
First we have the immaculate conception of a chimp living at Chimp Haven, where the male chimps were all supposedly given vasectomies upon arrival for their retirement stay. That’s a bit of a harsh entrance fee, so I at least hope their accommodations at the Haven were deservedly amazing. Of course that didn’t stop one virile male from knocking up 40-year-old Teresa, who recently had a baby girl. The owners of the Haven plan to do a paternity test to uncover just which chimp needs to go back for second snippings.
Next comes the mistaken report of the death of Gregoire, a chimp at the Congo-Brazzaville Zoo who was rescued by Jane Goodall. Like others, reports of Gregoire’s death were premature, and instead the story was supposed to be a happy one. Reuters reports “Congo state media misreported celebrations of Gregory’s [sic] 63rd birthday as tributes marking his death.” I can only imagine how relieved the Congolese people are at this change in the headlines.
Then we have the amusing tale of Judy, a chimp from the Little Rock Zoo in Arkansas. Judy got out of her cage Tuesday and found her way into a kitchen and a bathroom where she had a snack, and did some light housework before being sedated and returned to her home. Judy once lived as a pet, so she might have picked up her cleaning skills back in her youth, and the zoo now has a freshly scrubbed toilet and cleaned up fridge to thank her for. No word on whether or not she’ll be paid for her custodial efforts.
Finally we come to a whole bunch of chimps in the news, and this time I’m talking about the ones in Washington. Yeah, yeah, I know some people like to call Our Fine President “Chimpy” but it’s not just him and I’m not going to sink to petty pejoratives like that. Sure he’s been doing his share of boobery lately, but Congress is up to the task of matching his efforts.
But more about them later, let’s deal with Our Fine President’s latest first. Even since his big idea speech last week he’s been running around the high-end talk circuit, defending the plan to anyone who will listen. He’s called his old strategy a “slow failure” and said he doesn’t approve of the way things are going. However, he has yet to explain how his latest plan is any different.
It’s always “defeat is not an option” “let’s work for success, not work for failure.” He’s demanded people who oppose his ideas bring their own plans, but he wont accept a plan that leads to defeat. I guess the way he sees it, a strategy built around strategic withdrawal from the civil war and intense regional diplomacy equals instant defeat. Despite his belief that this wont end with a surrender on a battleship, he’s still trying to sell a military end and nothing else.
But of course the chimps down the street in the Senate aren’t making themselves appear to be any more statesmanlike. The big to do today was this non-binding resolution in opposition to Our Fine Presidents troop augmentation strategy. Republican Sen. Chuck Hagel crossed the aisle to get behind this symbolic gesture of disagreement. The Democrats are going to bring this right up to tell the White House “um… hey… yeah… that stuff you said you wanted to do in Iraq, we’d rather that you didn’t and we’ll say it in public even if we aren’t going to seriously discuss ways to stop you.”
Sure some Democrats are talking about looking into cutting off funding, but that’s political quicksand because no one hates the troops like the person who wont fund them. Even if they wanted to try this, they probably don’t have the votes to succeed. The proposed resolution is completely ceremonial but Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is still hinting at a filibuster. Really how silly is it when our Congressional leaders are talking about shutting down half the Legislative Branch over a non-binding statement?
The Senate seems like such a mess we might need to send Judy in there to tidy up a bit.